No, I'm not rain man... or Dustin Hoffman for that matter.

For those of you who don’t know me that well, I have a very good memory.  I distinctly remember dates, places, faces (not names), weather, and feelings from a variety of significant and insignificant events (No its not eidetic or exceptional memory).  For some people around me it is a fascinating thing. For most of you reading this it’s just plain annoying.  For me… I think it is a probably a coping mechanism I developed from my childhood.

Until the last couple of months most of my memories have been confined to a point in the Spring of 1997 forward (I was 17 at the time).  In recent years, memories from before that time were more less spotty and I was never quite sure if I was imagining things or just trying to fill in gaps where I knew things should fit.  I had only really been able to remember personally significant events before that time or when someone unknowingly used a cue (visual or audio) to bring something back.  So I knew the information was stored somewhere.

In the last week I’ve began remembering things in vivid detail as far back as to the age of five.  Every memory has led to another memory and so on.  My mind has not stopped running except when I’ve been sleeping.  Needless to say, this process has been a bit taxing.  My head has been populated with many pleasant and not so pleasant memories from over a 27 year period.  I feel like I’ve revisited my whole life several times over this past week.  Even as I type this my head is swimming through childhood memories involving the Miller’s, Smith’s, and the rest of the neighborhood.  If you feel like challenging the memory, leave a comment or drop me an email about a specific event.  I’d probably shock you.

As for the eyes…

They are straight and are continuing to try and “work themselves out.”  This along with the whole memory thing has been extremely tiring.  I feel as if someone is trying to “re-format” my brain.  I know they are doing things that I don’t ever recall them doing.  However, I don’t think its fusion.  To be honest, I wouldn’t know if it was or not.  I just know it is different then it was two weeks ago.

I believe that the “issues” or “events” I’m experiencing with my memory and eyes are tied together.  I don’t view any of it as a bad thing.  I feel like it is progress on several different levels.  However, I am surprised at the depth and clarity that I am remembering things from so long ago.  I almost feel as I’m right back at that place or time.  I’m trying not to get to caught up in my memories and realize that they are just that… memories.  The future is an empty page in a book waiting to be written… just like this blog.

If this guy is a bit "off" I'd hate to see what his "on" looks like.

Yesterday was my 1 month post operation appointment… at six weeks.  Apparently, the inability to correctly count is a statewide phenomena in Alabama that continues to spread.  But I digress…  I was a little fearful going into this visit because things have been so “off” and that I have continued to have headaches every morning since surgery.  The last several surgeries the headaches have gone away by the middle of week two.  This time they’ve stuck around like an old, unwanted house guest.

This meeting with the doctor started off no different then any of the others.  They checked my vision and depth perception before I got to see her.  I complained of the headaches and made mention of their similarity to those I experienced over twenty years ago while undergoing eye therapy.  She examined my eyes and informed me that they are now nearly perfectly aligned.  It’s the best they have ever been.  She seemed extremely pleased with how this last surgery went.

She didn’t have an immediate answer for the headaches, but had several hypothesis about what is going on:

1.  The headaches are vascular in nature (Migraines)

I don’t think this is likely, but a possibility.  Headaches only really flared up after surgery.

2.  My brain is trying to fuse the picture, but currently unable to.

I wonder if this is what fused vision really looks like? It still doesn't explain why the Matrix sequels sucked. Never mind, I forget Keanu Reeves was in them.

The doctor’s reasoning behind this is the fact that my eyes are pretty much aligned for the first time in my life.  However, one eye is ever so slightly off.  The headaches may be coming from the fact that I’m unconsciously or involuntarily trying to correct the position of one eye to help achieve fused vision. This would explain the exhaustion and headaches every morning.  My mind/eyes are working over time trying to do something they have never done.  It is my hope that this is what is going on inside my head.  The real question is how do you tell yourself to do something it has never done in thirty-two plus years?

What aliens from Persei Omicron 8 might look like... (and a tribute to my brother's favorite response to my non-sense)

3.  Aliens from Persei Omicron 8 have implanted something in my brain.

This seems unlikely and sounds like something I made up to have an option three.  Yep.  Definitely something I made up…  In reality, it might be something else.  However, I’m only presenting you with two realistic options.

What Robert Downey Jr. might look like trying to act like an Australian portraying a black man in a mockumentary styled comedy.

Hopefully I will have some answers in the next month or so.  I’m tired of waking up feeling like pre-Iron Man Robert Downing Jr. every morning.  In the back of my head the words “patient time” are still being whispered…

Fortunately, I don't have to wake up to Sonny and Cher... or Chaz for that matter.

The worst part of this process is waking up every morning with a headache.  41 mornings, 41 headaches.  Ground hog day.  It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed or wake up, my head hurts.  Luckily, the headaches are manageable and I usually feel better after an hour or two.  Several people have told me this is what to expect from marriage (rim shot on the snare drum).  Hopefully I’ll have some insight into the headaches tomorrow.  I’m hoping it has something to do with my eyes just readjusting.

One of the greatest actors of all time: Keanu Reeves.

As for the memory… It is coming back with a vengeance.  It’s not all quite there but my memories associations are working quite well.  This has led to brain overload on more than one occasion when I’ve gone somewhere I’ve been many times before.  It’s like a chain reaction one thought leads to two more and those two lead to four more and so on.  To me, this is a good thing.  However, the actual numbers or dates associated with these memories are not present at this time which is a very odd thing to me.  I usually use dates and numbers in my head to get to actual memories.

In my first blog entry I mentioned I had set goals or New Year’s Resolutions for 2012 (One being this blog).  Here is a sampling of them.

Walked 500 miles for a girl. She probably wasn't impressed. At least that's what I proclaim.

1. Run over 250 miles this year: Why walk 500 miles when you can run 250?  Right now I sit at zero miles.  I blame surgery on this one.  A big shout out to my friends Bex, Julie, Lindsey, and John for getting me to start running.  I would give you a shout out Adam, but I know the bat likes anonymity.

Progress: 0/250

2. Pay off my debts before Rolling Rock Day: Debt is a monkey on a lot of people’s backs.  I’m looking to fling him off like he flings other things.  Some (Probably all of you) are ask when Rolling Rock Day is?  Just look for the ole “33″ for your answer.

Progress: On target/early

I am Mendoza. My line: You do not cross.

3. Getting below the “Mendozza line“: This is a goal I came real close to accomplishing last year.  Fortunately, I’ve actually lost weight already this year despite not being able to work out.  I still haven’t stepped on a scale.

Progress: Unknown.

4.  Posting to my blog weekly: I went over ten years without writing consistently before I started back in August.  The hardest thing about writing this blog is that it is so much more personal and for a much smaller audience.  Back during the fall, there were weeks that over 4,000 people read my stories/blog post.  It was really neat to get on Google Analytics and see fifty people on the website at once.

Progress: On target

What I hope my man cave looks like in about 6 months... maybe.

5.  Re-finish my basement:  The downstairs of my house has so much potential.  Since I moved in five years ago I’ve wanted to knock down the walls and make a large game room/man cave/theater/bar.  I started ripping carpet and padding up several weeks ago.  After my February rush I hope to pick back up and get this project underway before Summer gets here.

Until next time…

P.s.  If you enjoy reading my non-whimsical non-sense please look to your left and enter your email into the subscribe area so that you can follow this blog.  It will email you whenever I post fresh material.  Thank you!

With that being said… I feel like I have been living in a Groundhog Day the last month or so.  I’ve woken up every morning with a headache. (And my VEO Sleep Manager wakes me up with same sounds from nature)  It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed or wake up, my head hurts.  I’ve come to accept that this is part of the process.  I had similar issues two years ago when I had surgery.  Luckily for me, my Groundhog Day usually ends around 8:30 to 9:00 a.m. and I don’t have any encounters with Ned Ryerson.

Who doesn't want to see Ned Ryerson today? This guy! And remember... Respect the Falcon!

As for my vision… It’s improving.  The world still seems strange and unfamiliar.  In reality, its probably more a disconnect in my brain or a cognition issue.  For those of you who read this and don’t know me or not around me, I have a phenomenal memory.  Most, if not all of that is tied to how I perceive the world through my eyes.  When things are working “normally” for me, simply seeing a picture of a place brings back a treasure trove of memories.  When things aren’t working right, there is just a blank space there.  It’s frustrating because my mind knows there is supposed to be something there.  Right now, there are more blank spaces then filled ones.  It is better then it was last week, but it feels like it still has a long way to go.  My mantra continues to be “patient time.”

On the flip side of this, my mind feels like it is working better than it has in years.  It feels like it is getting sharp again.  It is as if I’m waking up.  One of my favorite quotes has always been “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. (He) Who looks outside, dreams. (He) Who looks inside, awakens.”  Maybe, in reality, I’m just waking up from the Groundhog Day that I’ve been living in for much longer than the last month.

I love tossing around the ole' pigskin because I know that bacon is a by product. It's a win-win situation for me.

My last blog post  took a shot across the bow of the failings of our current two party system.  Amazingly (or not!), that post has created some very intellectual conversation for me the last couple of days.  It’s definitely brought back my love/hate relationship I used to have with politics back before I started my love affair with the foosball.  Now onto some more of my incoherent ramblings…

1. It’s all about the Ground Game.

The tightening up the Republican nomination race is certainly going to make for great TV for the 24 hour news networks for the next month or so.  I greatly enjoyed watching the same process four years ago with the Hillary/Obama race.  Most people don’t truly understand how much Obama’s extremely flexible, ground operation (GO) has changed the future of how a national race will be ran.  His ground operation four years ago was a well oiled machine that caught Hillary’s dream team consultants completely off guard and put McCain’s advisers behind the eight ball before the national conventions began. (If the first thing you thought about was ACORN I’m shaking my head at you right now.)

If the Republican nomination is still up for grabs in mid-February you will begin to see the front runners (Romney, Gingrich) start to spend some real money in this state.  What I will be watching is to see who has best emulated and improved on the Obama Ground Operation strategy that was so effective for him four years ago.  From that factor alone, I’ll make a prediction on who will be our president this time next year with around fifty percent confidence.

2.  Not every political race produces a winner

Already knows for sure whether or not Girl Scout Cookies are going to $4.00 a box next year.

Sticking with the politics theme here…  Not every political race produces a winner, just someone that is the lesser evil.  Alabama has been a very Red or conservative state during my lifetime.  The sixth congressional district in which I have live votes 80-90% Republican.  So the Republican primary race is essentially a de facto election to congress.  The only way someone other than a Republican wins this seat would be if Nick Saban or Jesus of Nazareth ran as a Democrat (It would still be close).

This year there are five candidates running in the Republican primary.  I hate to call two of them political nobodies, but that is what they are. (according to the so-called experts!)

Still looking for work after the George Clooney stunt double gig did not work out.

The other three established contestants with name recognition have been characterized as a crook, a racist, and a crazy man.  Before you jump on me for using those words, I highly recommend you read Kyle Whitmire’s commentary from last week’s Weld for Birmingham entilted Beason, Bachus, and Pate promise primary won’t be boring.

It seems like no matter what happens, one of them will be heading off to congress.  To most rational people, (regardless of party) there is nothing to get excited about.

The most environmentally friendly of the three, Pate has been seen using old Lease signs re-purposed for campaign signs.

Bachus’s alleged insider trading would automatically cost him re-election in most years.  Beason’s “courageous conversatism” that directly lead to the firing of 700 Jefferson County employees and being labeled as a racist would keep him from being a contender most years as well.  Then there is Stan Pate.  His not so behind the scenes tinkering within the Republican Party and eccentric tendencies would usually make him a fringe candidate.

If elected, Saban would have move statue to the field to coach in his place.

This leaves people with only one real choice.  Write in Nick Saban for congressman.  He’s the only one with name appeal to do so.  As an Auburn fan,  this would help get him out of the state for several months a year and distract him from coaching.  If you can’t get behind this idea, how about someone start pushing Paul Finebaum?  Either way, the next several weeks should be very interesting as the campaigns go on the offensive and start attacking one another.  Calling the kettle black would not be good for any of them, especially Scott Beason.

Until next time, or maybe the time after that…

Kind of what my eyes looked like 28 days ago. However, I wasn't craving brains at that time.

Hard to believe that it has been 28 days since my surgery.  It more or less feels like its been several months.  My usual time counter in my head feels like its been thrown off, lost in some never-ending Disney movie.  With all that being said, things are slowly returning to a state of “normal.”  Its not the same  state of “normal” that was disrupted with surgery, but at least its something my mind is beginning to understand and accept.  My eyes have completed most of their physical healing process now.  The task ahead of me is to try and get them to “do thy bidding.”  Right now there is still a bit of a disconnect between my brain and my eyes or at least that is the way if feels.  There are some things I’m already noticing some improvement in and other things I’m waiting for the “light” to come back on. As I’ve said several times before… patient time.

There have been many things over the last week I’ve wanted to write or ramble on about.  I’ll try and keep my thoughts brief, because now you kids with your loud music, and your Dan Fogleberg, your Zima, hula hoops and pac-man video games have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds!  Did I lose you there?

1. You are either with us or against us…

 Last week I had an insightful political discussion with an old high school friend.  If that sounds like an oxymoron to you it should.  Politics is usually one of those things I don’t enjoy discussing because people always believe their view is the only correct one.  In this country you are usually classified as a Republican/Democrat or good/evil… or is it the other way around?  A handful call themselves Independent, (what does that really mean?) but the mainstream establishment pretty much ignores them.

Warren Beatty made a masterpiece about Washington politics that went largely unnoticed.

I became disillusioned with our whole two party system while working in Washington, D.C., almost a dozen years ago.  I got to see quite a bit inside and out while I was up there.  The sad matter of the truth is the difference between most politicians up there was not the (R) or the (D) by their name, but whether they were getting money from this lobbyist or that one.  Yet the “fair and balanced” twenty-four news networks make both sides out like they are polar opposites when in reality they are not.

The truth of the matter is that most people have beliefs that fall firmly in both camps.  However, you have to chose one or the other.  You are either with me or against me… and if you are against me, you are wrong.  Don’t believe me?  Look at your face book feed right now and see how many people demonize our current president.  Now use the timeline feature and go back three plus years and guess what?  The other half demonized our last president in the same way.  

It’s kind of like living in the state of Alabama.  You are either an Alabama or an Auburn fan.    We act as if there is a world of difference between anything related to the two schools.  Many of us go as far as to “villianize” aspects of what the other one does.  When in reality, we are much more alike than different.  And heavens forbid if you cheer for anyone else… it just doesn’t matter (Yes, UAB equals third party in this equation).  Your opinion is of no consequence.  

I'm still not quite sure who I'm stuck in the middle with...

In conclusion, the problems we face as a country do not have a simple right or wrong answer and will remain unaddressed with the current grandstanding, finger pointing, and posturing in which both parties participate.  There are more than just two points of view.  Unfortunately, the system is built to keep a true third, fourth, or fifth point of view from establishing itself in our body politics (Nice try, but no dice Tea Party, Occupy).  This realization keeps people like me, who are truly moderate, disillusioned and un-involved.  So next time you ask… I’m not against or with you.  I’m just watching…

2.  I remember when a sackful from Krystal’s was only about torturing yourself

The “alleged” story of Mr. Brian “T-Bag” Dowling should be a cautionary tale to all of us…  Don’t go to Krystal’s when you are drunk.  Go to Waffle House instead.  I’ve seen many a fool in Waffle House after midnight trying to sober up or just torture their body with “wholesome American food goodness.”

Waffle House is there ANY TIME you need them. However, I'm not quite sure why they have locks on their doors...

However, those waitresses don’t take crap off of anyone.  Flo is going to boot you out or use the “red” phone long before you use your genitals to massage someone’s neck.  Likewise, they aren’t going to let anyone outside of a uniformed professional do anything to you.  They won’t abandon you like that LSU guys friends did in the French Quarter.  In a way, those Waffle House employees are like guardian angels.  Let this be a lesson to all of us.

3.  Weather Radios Save Lives, Get One.

The loss of life this week is no laughing matter.  From the looks from the damage, it could have been much worse.  However, I wonder how many lives have already been saved  this year from a better educated public?  I watched meteorologist James Spann live in April of 1998 when he stayed on the air saving countless lives through the first Oak Grove tornado.  The same can be said for the events of April 27, 2011.

I couldn't agree more, Mark.

However, not everyone is going to wake up to the sound of an approaching storm or to a tornado siren (which is not intended for indoors) or have James Spann break into their dreams telling them to take cover.  A weather radio is designed to do just that.  It will wake you up.  You can even get a weather radio app (which you can customize) for you smart phone for around ten bucks if you don’t want to get a real one.  It helps me rest easier knowing that some computerized voice is looking out for me.

4.  PUNT!

If you have enjoyed the mostly non-sense I’ve shared with you today feel free to follow my blog. (there’s a button somewhere on this page, can you find it?)  I plan on updating it regularly with whatever peaks my interest.  Feel free to comment or email me with any questions.  I usually answer…  Until next time…

I would be lying if I said the last three weeks have been enjoyable.  I would also be lying if I said I’ve totally hated the last three weeks.  The truth lies somewhere in the middle.  I would have written sooner, but issues with my recovering vision and perception have made typing a bit queasy at best.  Some of you are probably scratching your heads at that last statement so I will do my best to explain…

What Pirate Jeff might have looked like. Reports of his demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Every time I’ve had eye surgery they have worked on the muscles surrounding my eye.  Some of the surgeries have involved as few as one muscle in one eye where the most aggressive one involved both eyes and a total of six muscles.  This last surgery involved both eyes and three muscles.  She originally only planned on working on two muscles… one on each eye.  She made a judgement call to go ahead and work on the third muscle hopefully preventing surgery number eight.

However, the additional procedure caused me a great deal of stress as it initially made things much worse for me and not better.   Unluckily for me, the third procedure has taken a lot longer to heal (this is somewhat expected) than the other procedure done on the same eye.  This has kept my eyes from properly aligning which in turn has completely thrown my eyes and perception off.  For about a week and some change things with my vision were very much touch and go.  This in turn has led to lots of headaches and a very distorted, unreal world.  It gets beyond frustrating when things fail to make sense when you know they should.  For most people, their eyes are the primary way they perceive the world.  Mine are no different in that function.  In the end, the only thing I could do was wear an eye patch to keep my sanity.

Over the last four or five days things have started correcting themselves back to a more “normal” state.  This has been in part due to healing and my brain trying to accept “global re positioning” of the eyes.  In turn, I’ve started to try and avoid roadside ditches by losing the eye patch.  I honestly expected this surgery to be the easiest yet it has been the most difficult.  I’m not sure if it is because I’m older and more aware or my brain doesn’t like resetting itself.  Slowly, but surely, the lights are starting to come back on.  I’m trying to be positively optimistic that in the end, it will be much brighter than before.  But for now… I’ll wait, pray, and be patient.

Chances are you clicked onto this link because I asked you to and promised you an explanation of what’s happening today. But before I try and begin to explain what is happening today, I feel like it is important that you understand a little bit more about my previous surgeries, history, and experiences. I spent a great deal of time over the last ten years of so wondering if I would ever write it down or even tell it. Up to now, I’ve always let my mother tell my story. Some of you have heard it, many of you have not. Usually, I’ve avoided telling people more than what was ever necessary up till now. I’ll try to sum it up as briefly as I can…

Let me begin with this… I would not be where I am today if it were not for my parents, especially my mother. She never stopped advocating for me or my needs even when many doctors, teachers, and professionals told her that she was wasting her time. She sought out alternative approaches, researchers, and doctors who were open minded. For that effort, I’m eternally grateful. I sometimes cringe realizing that there are others like me who didn’t have parents with the means to seek alternatives or an unwavering voice to challenge an ideologically challenged professional.

Everybody is different. Some of are more different than others. I was born with several “issues” or “handicaps” that significantly stunted my growth into this social society. Among my many problems were a severe speech impediment caused by having too small of a mouth along with eyes that showed signs of amblyopia or strabismus. To top it off, I had astigmatism in my right eye. Sounds like a lot of stuff doesn’t it?

The myriad of issues I confronted led the local public school system to suggest alternatives for my mother as they didn’t believe I would be successful there. I was assigned labels and tags mainly due to my inability to effectively communicate in the way educators and professionals wanted me to. After visiting several schools suggested to her, she began seeking alternatives when she realized none of them would truly help me. She felt as if they were just casting me aside because they were unsure how to teach or help me succeed. I was ultimately held back in a private kindergarten class before being enrolled into a private school in Vestavia Hills.

The speech impediment kept me from communicating with most everyone until I was almost six years old. No one could really understand me except my mother. Through some painful mouth widening processes, experimental therapies, and speech therapies I was able to overcome most of my speech related issues before my ninth birthday. I still have trouble with a few things, but for the most part my speech was corrected.

During this same time, I had a total of three eye surgeries trying to correct the amblyopia/strabismus issues. The first one was on the right eye. The second one was on the left eye. The third surgery was on both of them. All three surgeries worked on muscles in my eye related to controlling motion. As you can guess, none of them were successful.

The issue behind my eyes boils down to this… I live in a 3D world, but I perceive it in 2D. My eyes failure to work together severely restricts my ability to perceive depth. This is not to say I don’t see “depth.” I just imagine from my understanding that it is not the same thing you see. This is because I don’t use both eyes together. I see the same picture twice. However, I’ve learned to select using one eye and turn off the other. Some people are born with this ability. I had to learn it. The whole process of doing this with my brain has gotten easier, but is still very taxing on the brain. I consciously have to choose all the time.

The goals of all of these surgeries were to put my eyes in a position to work together where “fusion” of the images in both eyes is possible. 98% of people who read this never have had a problem with this process and have always perceived the world as a unified field. For almost all of you who are reading this, it is an involuntary process and you’ve done it since the day you were born.

When surgery did not lead to positive results, my mother sought out alternatives. When I was eleven years old, I had progressed enough and I was moved to public school. At the same time I started eye therapy with a behavioral optometrist. What I really remember about therapy is the taxing amount of energy that I expended every Tuesday and Friday afternoon trying to do what my previous surgeon termed as “impossible.” The headaches I used to get after most sessions were downright debilitating. Some progress was made and I learned things that I use to this very day to help me function a lot easier.

Over the next five years things remained pretty stagnant. I just tried to fit in and be a normal teenager. Then in March of 1997, I split my forehead wide open (and likely suffered a concussion) while at a party at a friend’s house. I didn’t realize it at the time until I looked back at it many years later, but it was like someone slowly turned on the lights. It was as if some things in my head were “knocked straight.” It gave me hope that maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel of all this. My eyes, memory, scholastic achievement, and general self-perception improved as I entered my senior year in high school.

Over the next several years, I experienced a great deal of success in college inside and outside of the classroom culminating with an internship with Colin Powell’s America’s Promise in Washington, D.C. However, that same summer I started having issues with my eyes again. The headaches started coming back and I felt like I was losing control. This would be the last time I would read a book cover to cover. When I got back to Birmingham, we once again sought out medical advice hoping that new procedures had been developed. Ultimately, I would have my fourth surgery with the same surgeon in February, 2001. I’m still not sure what it really accomplished except maybe give me some piece of mind and some cosmetic improvements.

The headaches did go away, but at the cost of being able to read for no more than several minutes. I kept quiet about this to almost everybody. I managed to get through the rest of college and graduate school by simply going to class and practicing the lost art of listening (I know some of you find that hard to believe). I was very fortunate to have professors at Montevallo that taught and tested from their notes and lectures and not from the book. My undergraduate programs were so thorough that most of what I encountered in graduate school was nothing more than a refresher course.

Ultimately, I passed on my dream of pursuing any further education when I accepted the reality that in any doctorate or law program I would be required to undertake significant amounts of reading. The effort to even read more than a few pages brought on headaches similar to a migraine. Life went on and I had begun to slowly accept that things were just going to be what they were going to be.

Every time I went to the optometrist he would talk to me about new surgeries and techniques they were working on to help people like me. Finally, in the Spring of ’09, he referred me to a surgeon he thought might be able to offer me something new. Dr. Ludwig was a bit different than the various other surgeons I had encountered. Almost immediately after beginning my exam she was able to identify my previous surgeon by his work. We scheduled for surgery several months out so that she could be able to get complete records on previous surgeries. Unfortunately, she was only able to get partial records.

In November of ’09 I had surgery number five on both eyes involving work on six different muscles. For the most part, I count this surgery as a success. Recovery took longer this time than previous surgeries and also adversely affected my long term memory for several months (but that’s a whole other story). When I fully recovered, my eyes were closer to looking normal and tracking together than ever before, but the double vision still existed. Several times since then, my eyes have appeared to “fuse” and the world has “exploded” outward for me just for a few seconds. The “impossible” all of a sudden didn’t seem to “impossible.”

This past summer I met with the doctor again. She recommended a very minor procedure on my left eye to hopefully help better align the muscles so that fusion might be possible. Our hope was that this would be the last eye surgery. In August of this year, I underwent operation number six on my left eye.

I knew less than three weeks after surgery that we had not achieved the goal we were trying to achieve. The doctor confirmed it when I met with her September and wanted to give my eye several months to properly heal before operating on it again. Surgery was set for December 27th … which is today. When I visited her again in November, the muscle position had moved more than she expected them to making the procedure she recommended to me in September unlikely. She measured my eye movements and position for at least three different types of procedures that are all more invasive than previous one. She won’t know exactly which one until she is able to examine the muscles up close.

The goal remains the same: fused vision or “normal vision.” There is a very likely possibility that I will undergo operation number eight sometime this next year, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this it. There are no guarantees.

I wrote all this so that you would be able to understand that the issues I face with my eyes are much larger than a cosmetic one and understand in part of why I am the way I am. For the most part, my eyes are straight now except when I’m tired or strained. Most of you who read this have never known them to be any other way. Some of you have seen it since the beginning or very early on. I hope I’ve been able to explain that it is much more than a cosmetic thing… It is how I perceive the world. I’m tired of the headaches and the energy drain it takes just to use my eyes. I’m ready to complete this chapter in my life. However, as long as there is a chance that I can see it without having to think about it, I’ll keep chasing it. Hope is an idea or belief that can feed a starving man for years on end, but it will never satisfy his appetite… I’m hoping to be full sometime soon.